Now is the hour of our discontent...

I couldn't tell you what that's from. Mainly because I can't remember. But it pretty well sums up how I've been feeling about my job lately. Distressed and discontent. Work has got me really stressed out. And I'm starting to take all of the major illnesses I've had this year as signs that this may not be the job for me. There has to be some reason why I've been hospitalized for a kidney infection that actually wasn't, not to mention the pain in my side and now this last bout of strep/mono/we-don't-know-what's-wrong-wi

th-you that lasted just about a week and had me flat on my back from Tuesday through Friday. Odd that I happened to catch that on the same week that I was supposed to go to court and file on my first family.

I tried to talk to John about it last night. I don't know if it was that he didn't hear me or if it was that I don't really know how to describe how I've been feeling about it. I tried to explain to him that it just doesn't feel right. The job doesn't feel like a good fit for me. That despite being passionate about who the Division is and what the Division does, I'm just kind of mediocre at it, and that I'm never going to get much better at it. He tried to tel me I might want to get out of assessement and into family service. Well, I knew from day one that I did not want to be a family service worker, and now I'm not sure assessment is where I want to be. I think I missed my calling. Everyone I knew kept saying I should be a teacher, I should be a teacher. And I always said that I wouldn't have the patience to be a teacher. Now I can say that I don't have the patience to deal with stupid parents. And I know that even though I'd have to do that as a teacher, I don't have to try to tell them how to be better parents, when I don't even know the first thing about rasing children myself.

I don't feel like I connect with my supervisor at all, so I'm going to keep my eyes open and see if I can transfer into the Rochester office if they get an opening. Maybe that will help with some of it. But I don't think that will be the final fix. I keep trying to look into geting my M.Ed. but it just seems like such an expensive and tedious plan for someone who can only go part time. If I go the M.Ed. route, I can become a guidance counselor or something along those lines, and I know I would enjoy that much more. The other thing I think I would enjoy is working for an agency that helps people apply for jobs. You know what I mean? Teaching someone how to write a résumé and fill out a job application seems like it would be such a rewarding thing - and then when they get hired?! How exciting!

My biggest problem is that I have so many interests in so many things that there is just no way to tie them all together. I could probably bounce from job to job for the rest of my life and never be completely happy with one of them, but always really enjoying the idea behind the job.

But like I said - I think I'd be happiest working in a school. John and I would be on similar schedules, which would be REALLY nice when we get around to having kids. If we could afford the pay cut, I would become a sub in January and start taking some classes to work towards an M.Ed, but I know we couldn't afford that. If I made $70/day working all five days, I'd only be grossing $350/week. That's before taxes, and then with the mortgage on top of that, it would never work.

Anyway, I'm sure you're all really bored with reading about the fact that I'm pretty sure I want a new job come January, so I'm going to stop bitching about it and get outside to enjoy the weather.

Oh, and it was from Richard III.