Work was really hard today. I've gotten three new assessments in the last three days. Today, my new assessment was a sexual abuse case - kid on kid. Not fun. So I spent the day today trying to figure out what was going on with this family, not to mention trying to track down a few other families today, and going to a court hearing this morning. I should have stayed out of this one that I went to the court hearing on, because I know just enough about this assessment to be called to testify. I am not excited about that.
Anyway, I've been feeling really crappy lately. Not so much physically crappy (although that's been there too), but emotionally crappy. Have you ever suddenly realized that you don't have a best friend? I mean, I have John, and that's wonderful, but I don't have a best girl friend. Everyone I've ever considered my best friend I've realized they don't consider me as such. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have friends, because I do, I have LOTS of them. But the one person I have to confide in like crazy I pay $120 an hour. And as much as I like her too, it's not a friendship.
The last training I went to brought up some serious issues for me too. That's probably where some of this sudden onset of self-pity is coming from. The training I went to was on Separation and Placement. When the training started, I realized that I wanted to look at my adoption history to see how many placements I had. My adoption was my 4th placement. I started off thinking that I was normal, that no issues arose from me being bounced that many times in 15 months. Apparently, I was wrong. I've come to realize that I do have an attachment problem, but not that I don't form attachments to people, it's that I believe I form these attachments in my mind, thinking that I've become best friends with someone that I've only known for a couple of days. Then I get all upset when I realize that's not the case. Another thing I've realized that I care deeply about what people think of me, despite what I say. And I don't think it's a self-esteem issue. I think it's an attachment thing. I want so desperately for people to like me that I will try most anything to be what people want me to be, or what they think I should be. Perhaps coming to these realizations will help immensely with my relationship with my parents. Then again, maybe it won't. But at any rate, these realizations are helping me to separate from my parents.
Anyway... I don't want to go into it anymore. But for those of you who were wondering what's wrong, there's a taste of it. The rest of the issues I'm having right now are things that I need to talk to people individually about.
But thanks for listening anyway.
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