Work was really hard today. I've gotten three new assessments in the last three days. Today, my new assessment was a sexual abuse case - kid on kid. Not fun. So I spent the day today trying to figure out what was going on with this family, not to mention trying to track down a few other families today, and going to a court hearing this morning. I should have stayed out of this one that I went to the court hearing on, because I know just enough about this assessment to be called to testify. I am not excited about that.
Anyway, I've been feeling really crappy lately. Not so much physically crappy (although that's been there too), but emotionally crappy. Have you ever suddenly realized that you don't have a best friend? I mean, I have John, and that's wonderful, but I don't have a best girl friend. Everyone I've ever considered my best friend I've realized they don't consider me as such. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have friends, because I do, I have LOTS of them. But the one person I have to confide in like crazy I pay $120 an hour. And as much as I like her too, it's not a friendship.
The last training I went to brought up some serious issues for me too. That's probably where some of this sudden onset of self-pity is coming from. The training I went to was on Separation and Placement. When the training started, I realized that I wanted to look at my adoption history to see how many placements I had. My adoption was my 4th placement. I started off thinking that I was normal, that no issues arose from me being bounced that many times in 15 months. Apparently, I was wrong. I've come to realize that I do have an attachment problem, but not that I don't form attachments to people, it's that I believe I form these attachments in my mind, thinking that I've become best friends with someone that I've only known for a couple of days. Then I get all upset when I realize that's not the case. Another thing I've realized that I care deeply about what people think of me, despite what I say. And I don't think it's a self-esteem issue. I think it's an attachment thing. I want so desperately for people to like me that I will try most anything to be what people want me to be, or what they think I should be. Perhaps coming to these realizations will help immensely with my relationship with my parents. Then again, maybe it won't. But at any rate, these realizations are helping me to separate from my parents.
Anyway... I don't want to go into it anymore. But for those of you who were wondering what's wrong, there's a taste of it. The rest of the issues I'm having right now are things that I need to talk to people individually about.
But thanks for listening anyway.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Sometimes I think...
Sometimes I'm convinced that MySpace is the best site on the internet. It just allowed me to reconnect with someone I haven't spoken to since I was about a junior in high school! And now, he's in the Army over in Baghdad! It was so exciting to hear from him yesterday. We spent a ton of time e-mailing back and forth, just getting caught up with each other. It's hard to sum up 7 years in an e-mail, but we've managed to do alright :-)
I love it when stuff like that happens. It's weird, the timing of it too, because I was just somewhere where I had thought of him, and it was recent too! So that was just funny. But I love getting to reconnect with old friends and seeing or hearing from people I haven't heard from in a long time. I think I realized to late that I had the best group of friends in high school. We were all, for the most part, pretty good kids. We were fun, and funny, and there was always someone to go to if there was a problem or if you needed help or anything like that. I miss those days!
Okay, I'm feeling a little nostalgic, I guess. Maybe it's the time of year - we're starting to get into the graduation times. I should know this is going to happen to me, it does every single year! But it's nice being able to find these people again, and at least be able to e-mail with them, if nothing more.
It's strange how your relationships with people evolve over time. The older you get, the more focused on one person you become. Like, if you asked me now, who my best friend is, I would say John. But if you asked me 7 years ago I would have said Jo, and Soni, and Sarah and... and... and.... It's all part of normal development (believe me, I know, I sit through hours of training on it), but it's just a strange phenomenon. Sometimes I wish that I could maintain the same types of friendships I had in high school today. Or even in college! I had great friends in college as well, and even a lot of them I've lost touch with. Sad, isn't it?
So I guess that's really about all I have to write about. I have stuff I need to get done before heading out to my training today, so I'm going to work on showering and getting dressed and such. So, people, track me down, say hi, all that good stuff!
I love it when stuff like that happens. It's weird, the timing of it too, because I was just somewhere where I had thought of him, and it was recent too! So that was just funny. But I love getting to reconnect with old friends and seeing or hearing from people I haven't heard from in a long time. I think I realized to late that I had the best group of friends in high school. We were all, for the most part, pretty good kids. We were fun, and funny, and there was always someone to go to if there was a problem or if you needed help or anything like that. I miss those days!
Okay, I'm feeling a little nostalgic, I guess. Maybe it's the time of year - we're starting to get into the graduation times. I should know this is going to happen to me, it does every single year! But it's nice being able to find these people again, and at least be able to e-mail with them, if nothing more.
It's strange how your relationships with people evolve over time. The older you get, the more focused on one person you become. Like, if you asked me now, who my best friend is, I would say John. But if you asked me 7 years ago I would have said Jo, and Soni, and Sarah and... and... and.... It's all part of normal development (believe me, I know, I sit through hours of training on it), but it's just a strange phenomenon. Sometimes I wish that I could maintain the same types of friendships I had in high school today. Or even in college! I had great friends in college as well, and even a lot of them I've lost touch with. Sad, isn't it?
So I guess that's really about all I have to write about. I have stuff I need to get done before heading out to my training today, so I'm going to work on showering and getting dressed and such. So, people, track me down, say hi, all that good stuff!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Couldn't sleep
It's 4:15 and I can't sleep. I'm not sure why. For some reason I was insanely hungry, so I got up to have yogurt. Then I was like "Well, I can't eat my yogurt in bed. I'll see if Kim is online." She isn't. :-( So instead I had to read her LJ and eat my yogurt. It made me happy to see that I had been especially singled out and mentioned in her "list of people to be grateful for" so that was fun. Thanks Kim!
Today I have my training for Pampered Chef. That should be an adventure. I'm trying to get at least 4 parties booked, because my recruiter, Kathy, is like "Well, normally I don't fully sign someone until they have at least 4 shows booked." So I'm like "Crap." And the first person that has booked a show wants to do a wedding registry. Unfortunately, I can't set up her registry until I've had 4 shows. So come on people!!! Book a show with me!
Today is going to be one of those days, too, that I really miss all of my old roommates from the Gables - it's Earth Day! Kim G. always used to make a cake and we would have an Earth Day party. Kind of silly, I know, but a ton of fun :-) We always had an excuse to make a cake in that apartment. It was great! :-)
I wish I could say I had something great and wonderful to write about. Sadly, I do not... We signed the mortgage paperwork on our house on Thursday. That's exciting! Now we just need to get the homeowners insurance, and we'll be good to go! I am so excited to close on the house it's not even funny. Unfortunately, we won't get to keep the hot tub. The seller was being a jerk about it, so we just decided not to buy it from her after all. Kind of sad, but at the same time, I don't think I'll really miss it. Hot tubs really aren't good for me with all of the UTI/Kidney problems I've been having.
Oh! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I forgot about this! I finally had that conversation with Tricia on Thursday. It went a lot better than I was expecting, partly because the disconnect I was feeling was something she had picked up on too. Neither of us could quite put our finger on it, but we agreed that in supervision, I would point out to her when I was feeling it and she would point out to me when she was feeling it and we would try to go from there. Personally, I think she just doesn't like me as much as she likes some of the other people in the office, but you know what? That's alright. I can live with that, especially because I have the support of the other two coordinators in the office. So anyway, that's where we stand on that. Hopefully, now, some good will come of it. Fortunately, I have only two weeks left of trainings, and then I'll be on a regular supervision schedule, and that will probably help to some degree. Plus, I'll be able to carry a full caseload, so that will make supervision a little more meaningful. I won't have only 4 cases in which to be like "Yep, here's where these are all at... okay, thanks bye!"
Anyway, that's about all on this end. I don't really know what else I can write about. It's taken me almost 1/2 an hour to come up with this, and let me say, it's a BORING entry :-) So thanks for reading. Peace, love and granola!
Today I have my training for Pampered Chef. That should be an adventure. I'm trying to get at least 4 parties booked, because my recruiter, Kathy, is like "Well, normally I don't fully sign someone until they have at least 4 shows booked." So I'm like "Crap." And the first person that has booked a show wants to do a wedding registry. Unfortunately, I can't set up her registry until I've had 4 shows. So come on people!!! Book a show with me!
Today is going to be one of those days, too, that I really miss all of my old roommates from the Gables - it's Earth Day! Kim G. always used to make a cake and we would have an Earth Day party. Kind of silly, I know, but a ton of fun :-) We always had an excuse to make a cake in that apartment. It was great! :-)
I wish I could say I had something great and wonderful to write about. Sadly, I do not... We signed the mortgage paperwork on our house on Thursday. That's exciting! Now we just need to get the homeowners insurance, and we'll be good to go! I am so excited to close on the house it's not even funny. Unfortunately, we won't get to keep the hot tub. The seller was being a jerk about it, so we just decided not to buy it from her after all. Kind of sad, but at the same time, I don't think I'll really miss it. Hot tubs really aren't good for me with all of the UTI/Kidney problems I've been having.
Oh! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I forgot about this! I finally had that conversation with Tricia on Thursday. It went a lot better than I was expecting, partly because the disconnect I was feeling was something she had picked up on too. Neither of us could quite put our finger on it, but we agreed that in supervision, I would point out to her when I was feeling it and she would point out to me when she was feeling it and we would try to go from there. Personally, I think she just doesn't like me as much as she likes some of the other people in the office, but you know what? That's alright. I can live with that, especially because I have the support of the other two coordinators in the office. So anyway, that's where we stand on that. Hopefully, now, some good will come of it. Fortunately, I have only two weeks left of trainings, and then I'll be on a regular supervision schedule, and that will probably help to some degree. Plus, I'll be able to carry a full caseload, so that will make supervision a little more meaningful. I won't have only 4 cases in which to be like "Yep, here's where these are all at... okay, thanks bye!"
Anyway, that's about all on this end. I don't really know what else I can write about. It's taken me almost 1/2 an hour to come up with this, and let me say, it's a BORING entry :-) So thanks for reading. Peace, love and granola!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My First
Last night I had my first removal of a child. The baby is (as of today) 7 days old (so, six days at the day of removal). It was a hard decision for the office to make, but we had the legal ability to remove on the "likely to suffer harm" part of the statute. Mom had been drinking through her entire pregnancy (for the most part), and fortunately for the baby, he had no physical signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Unfortunately though, he's too young to tell if he will have any sort of developmental delays. He was the cutest baby! You know, the kind that makes you want to run right out and start having kids. He slept the whole time, and we were with the family for about 2 hours.
I almost felt guilty last night though. I was totally hyped up on adrenaline because of this removal. From what I hear, it's normal, but looking back on it now, it was such a sad thing! The mom burst into tears when we told her what was happening, and today when I was at a meeting at the court, she was there. Part of me is greatful that I was more just there, it wasn't really my removal, because she didn't really aknowledge me. Cheryl, on the other hand, had to get up and leave the room before the mom saw her. What made it worse was that my schedule today didn't allow for time to process what had happened with anyone. Fortunately, Cheryl and I were in one car last night, and it allowed me to talk it through with her. Tomorrow, though, I'm going to try to have a sit down with Tricia and process it with her. I want to discuss with her the adrenaline rush I had and make sure that I was definitely feeling something that was normal. She would really be the one to ask - she's been in this field for 12 years. I'm also going to try to have my sit down with her tomorrow. From what I understand, I'm not the first person to have this problem with Tricia. So it will be interesting to see what happens.
Today my day was just busy. Long and busy. I met the cutest girl today at the Child Advocacy Center. We had a staff meeting this morning, then I was at the CAC, then off to a meeting with the judge in Portsmouth, then back to the office for 1/2 an hour, then off to a meeting in Seabrook. The little girl at my interview in Seabrook was so funny - she had a loose tooth that fell out during my interview with her. It was hysterical. She was so excited she started running all around the house "Mom! Mom! My tooth fell out! My tooth fell out!" I had to go to the house with the Seabrook police, so there were two detectives, which was funny because she asked one of them to help her clean her tooth off. It cracked me up! The sad part of the interview though, was when I was just getting ready to wrap up, and she hadn't told me anything concerning, until I asked her if there was anything I didn't ask her about that she thought I should know about. She told me that I should ask her if she knew what drugs were. So I did. She proceeded to tell me that good drugs are the ones you take when you have a cold, and that drugs like "weed" are bad drugs and that she has an uncle that uses weed. I'm like "great.... we were doing so good until that came up." So now tomorrow I've got to report that to the supervisor of the worker that's actually on the case and the worker. I'm glad that's not one of mine.
Thank goodness for comp time. Thank goodness even more that I've not got enough comp time acrued to take two days off when we move! That makes me happy. That also reminds me that I've got to fill in the comp time slip. Cheryl and I were out until 7:30 last night and I was out until 6:15 tonight, plus not taking a lunch today, so 7:15.
My doctors appointment... well, lets just say that my doctor is useless. I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but he took a urine sample while I was there. That was it. That, and he told me that I wasn't actually having pain in my kidneys because my kidneys weren't even where I was complaining of pain. Well, the guy wasn't even looking when I told him where it was, he listed it as being a pain in my hip. It's not my hip, it was my side and back. So when he had the nurses run a quick test on the urine sample, he was like "well, it's not normal, but it's not abnormal." So, tell me, what is between normal and abnormal? Because I didn't know there was middle ground there. Hopefully tomorrow I should get some answers.
Anyway, that's about all for now. It's time for dinner.
I almost felt guilty last night though. I was totally hyped up on adrenaline because of this removal. From what I hear, it's normal, but looking back on it now, it was such a sad thing! The mom burst into tears when we told her what was happening, and today when I was at a meeting at the court, she was there. Part of me is greatful that I was more just there, it wasn't really my removal, because she didn't really aknowledge me. Cheryl, on the other hand, had to get up and leave the room before the mom saw her. What made it worse was that my schedule today didn't allow for time to process what had happened with anyone. Fortunately, Cheryl and I were in one car last night, and it allowed me to talk it through with her. Tomorrow, though, I'm going to try to have a sit down with Tricia and process it with her. I want to discuss with her the adrenaline rush I had and make sure that I was definitely feeling something that was normal. She would really be the one to ask - she's been in this field for 12 years. I'm also going to try to have my sit down with her tomorrow. From what I understand, I'm not the first person to have this problem with Tricia. So it will be interesting to see what happens.
Today my day was just busy. Long and busy. I met the cutest girl today at the Child Advocacy Center. We had a staff meeting this morning, then I was at the CAC, then off to a meeting with the judge in Portsmouth, then back to the office for 1/2 an hour, then off to a meeting in Seabrook. The little girl at my interview in Seabrook was so funny - she had a loose tooth that fell out during my interview with her. It was hysterical. She was so excited she started running all around the house "Mom! Mom! My tooth fell out! My tooth fell out!" I had to go to the house with the Seabrook police, so there were two detectives, which was funny because she asked one of them to help her clean her tooth off. It cracked me up! The sad part of the interview though, was when I was just getting ready to wrap up, and she hadn't told me anything concerning, until I asked her if there was anything I didn't ask her about that she thought I should know about. She told me that I should ask her if she knew what drugs were. So I did. She proceeded to tell me that good drugs are the ones you take when you have a cold, and that drugs like "weed" are bad drugs and that she has an uncle that uses weed. I'm like "great.... we were doing so good until that came up." So now tomorrow I've got to report that to the supervisor of the worker that's actually on the case and the worker. I'm glad that's not one of mine.
Thank goodness for comp time. Thank goodness even more that I've not got enough comp time acrued to take two days off when we move! That makes me happy. That also reminds me that I've got to fill in the comp time slip. Cheryl and I were out until 7:30 last night and I was out until 6:15 tonight, plus not taking a lunch today, so 7:15.
My doctors appointment... well, lets just say that my doctor is useless. I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but he took a urine sample while I was there. That was it. That, and he told me that I wasn't actually having pain in my kidneys because my kidneys weren't even where I was complaining of pain. Well, the guy wasn't even looking when I told him where it was, he listed it as being a pain in my hip. It's not my hip, it was my side and back. So when he had the nurses run a quick test on the urine sample, he was like "well, it's not normal, but it's not abnormal." So, tell me, what is between normal and abnormal? Because I didn't know there was middle ground there. Hopefully tomorrow I should get some answers.
Anyway, that's about all for now. It's time for dinner.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Doctors today
Today I go to my primary care doctor to have the follow up from when I was in the hospital. He didn't tell me I couldn't eat any breakfast or anything before I go, but I'm going to fast until I get there, because I don't know what kind of tests (if any) he'll order. I'm hoping he will order something! Just saying "You have a kidney infection" isn't going to cut it with me anymore. So basically I'm going to go in and demand a referral to the kidney specialist (who can't take me in until June 1st), demand they get me in with the nephrologist sooner, and demand that they do some of the legwork. I don't want to be told that the antibiotics did their job because that's just bullshit.
Yesterday I was going to try to have a sitdown with my supervisor at work and let her know that I was having a hard time feeling like I was connecting with her. Some of that is really no one's fault, just scheduling issues - I haven't had supervision for two weeks! So anyway, I was all prepared to meet up with her, when she came up to me and asked if she could meet with me earlier than planned, because she had to leave in the afternoon. So I was like "yeah, sure, no problem" and we met right then. So after going through all of my cases, and figuring out where I was at with all of them, she was like "so, how's everything else going?" And I was all prepared to lead up to how I felt that I was having a hard time connecting with her, and I got out about how I felt that I was feeling disconnected from everyone in the office (which to some degree is true), and then I was all ready to launch into how I was feeling about her, and I just got this sense that she wasn't listening. I didn't even approach it. Then when Cheryl asked me how it went (Cheryl is my mentor, and she would be the first person I would talk to about that stuff), I told her that I couldn't even get into it with Tricia (my supervisor), and that what I was able to get out probably didn't make much of an impact. She's going to talk to Thom (Cheryl's supervisor - who I happen to have a great relationship with), and hopefully the 3 of us can figure out how to approach this.
I think part of the disconnect has come from me just being out of the office, but at the same time, I get nervous that this job really isn't for me... I thought I was going to go at it with all of this gusto, and I haven't. I haven't shirked my responsibilities at work, in fact, I've embraced them, but sometimes I just don't know if this was the right decision for me. It makes me so sad, I don't even know where to start. I think I'm going to have to go back on my wellbutrin, I told John the other day. I don't want too, but I can feel myself crashing down, and I want to put the brakes on that before I hit the bottom and do something to ruin my relationship with John, blow the chances of buying a house, etc. I love and respect John too much to put him through that with me. But mostly, I respect myself too much to let my past come back to haunt me.
The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the system has failed someone. I know people that have been failed by the state, and I don't want to let that happen. I feel like I'm taking on the world, and maybe I am, but I don't think I would live with myself knowing I failed someone...
Anyway, this is a depressing entry - I started it with the intent of just talking about my doctors appointment today, and it turned into everything about my job... I guess that's my signal to go shower and get on with my day.
Yesterday I was going to try to have a sitdown with my supervisor at work and let her know that I was having a hard time feeling like I was connecting with her. Some of that is really no one's fault, just scheduling issues - I haven't had supervision for two weeks! So anyway, I was all prepared to meet up with her, when she came up to me and asked if she could meet with me earlier than planned, because she had to leave in the afternoon. So I was like "yeah, sure, no problem" and we met right then. So after going through all of my cases, and figuring out where I was at with all of them, she was like "so, how's everything else going?" And I was all prepared to lead up to how I felt that I was having a hard time connecting with her, and I got out about how I felt that I was feeling disconnected from everyone in the office (which to some degree is true), and then I was all ready to launch into how I was feeling about her, and I just got this sense that she wasn't listening. I didn't even approach it. Then when Cheryl asked me how it went (Cheryl is my mentor, and she would be the first person I would talk to about that stuff), I told her that I couldn't even get into it with Tricia (my supervisor), and that what I was able to get out probably didn't make much of an impact. She's going to talk to Thom (Cheryl's supervisor - who I happen to have a great relationship with), and hopefully the 3 of us can figure out how to approach this.
I think part of the disconnect has come from me just being out of the office, but at the same time, I get nervous that this job really isn't for me... I thought I was going to go at it with all of this gusto, and I haven't. I haven't shirked my responsibilities at work, in fact, I've embraced them, but sometimes I just don't know if this was the right decision for me. It makes me so sad, I don't even know where to start. I think I'm going to have to go back on my wellbutrin, I told John the other day. I don't want too, but I can feel myself crashing down, and I want to put the brakes on that before I hit the bottom and do something to ruin my relationship with John, blow the chances of buying a house, etc. I love and respect John too much to put him through that with me. But mostly, I respect myself too much to let my past come back to haunt me.
The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the system has failed someone. I know people that have been failed by the state, and I don't want to let that happen. I feel like I'm taking on the world, and maybe I am, but I don't think I would live with myself knowing I failed someone...
Anyway, this is a depressing entry - I started it with the intent of just talking about my doctors appointment today, and it turned into everything about my job... I guess that's my signal to go shower and get on with my day.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Big Decision
Okay, so it's not that big in relation to buying a house, BUT, I've decided to become a consultant for the Pampered Chef. Anyone who isn't familiar with the Pampered Chef should e-mail me or IM me to find out more about it, because it's really a neat company. They sell all sorts of cookware and kitchen gadgets, and they have a lot of perks for the consultants (i.e. money, free products, trips, etc.). I was really back and forth last night about whether or not I wanted to do Pampered Chef or Silpada (which is a company that sells stearling silver jewelry), but ultimately went with Pampered Chef because the incentives were good for BOTH John and I, not just me, and you have the ability to set up a website through Pampered Chef where people can order products through me.
I'm really excited to get started, and I'm hoping that people will support me in this endeavor! It's going to be a source of extra income for us as we start working on putting together a new house, and needing to get new furniture and whatnot.
So, if you're interested in hosting a party, some dates I've got set aside for it specifically are May 13th, June 10, July 8 and July 15. I could throw in a couple other weekends there too, but I wanted to make sure that everyone is aware that I cannot do June 3rd or 4th (thats the weekend we're moving), June 17th (my sister is graduating from high school!) and the first weekend in July (the 1st or 2nd) because we are hoping to have our housewarming party then.
So think about it and let me know. Thanks guys!!!
I'm really excited to get started, and I'm hoping that people will support me in this endeavor! It's going to be a source of extra income for us as we start working on putting together a new house, and needing to get new furniture and whatnot.
So, if you're interested in hosting a party, some dates I've got set aside for it specifically are May 13th, June 10, July 8 and July 15. I could throw in a couple other weekends there too, but I wanted to make sure that everyone is aware that I cannot do June 3rd or 4th (thats the weekend we're moving), June 17th (my sister is graduating from high school!) and the first weekend in July (the 1st or 2nd) because we are hoping to have our housewarming party then.
So think about it and let me know. Thanks guys!!!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
May 30th
May 30th is the magic date! We got the house, which was amazing, because there are still offers coming in on it!!! We close on May 30th, which is almost a full month earlier than we were expecting, but that's GREAT for us to get out of our lease.
So at some point we'll be having a housewarming cookout or something so everyone can come see our new place. Granted, at the moment, we don't have enough furniture to fill the place yet, but I'm sure that will come with time :-) Oh, and bring your swim suits when you come - we're going to have a hot tub that seats 5!
So thanks for all the love and good thoughts, they worked!!!
So at some point we'll be having a housewarming cookout or something so everyone can come see our new place. Granted, at the moment, we don't have enough furniture to fill the place yet, but I'm sure that will come with time :-) Oh, and bring your swim suits when you come - we're going to have a hot tub that seats 5!
So thanks for all the love and good thoughts, they worked!!!
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